We all try our best to protect loved ones, but recognizing signs of abuse isn’t always easy. Some kind souls on the Internet have pooled together a list of 13 subtle yet critical signals that indicate an abuser. So, let’s take a look:
13. “Gaslighting.”
“Telling someone that they did not hear or see what they did. Making them question their memory and sanity – just so you don’t look bad.”
“This is the real definition of gaslighting. It drives me nuts how often people use it interchangeably with the term being manipulative. It’s manipulative to gaslight, but manipulation ≠ gaslighting.”
12. “Controlling Someone’s Finances.”
“I used to work in Victim Support and I spent so much of my time supporting service users with accessing an income, or even opening a bank account. People don’t realize that financial abuse can ruin the victims, especially if they don’t have their own accounts.”
11. “Parental Alienation.”
“Telling lies to children about their other parent. Really [messes] with kids heads because they are 50% that other person.”
“My ma did this to me. I grew up thinking that my father was this monstrous person who would attack me or disown me if I stepped out of line. Turned out he’s just a small, awkward, quiet man. I wouldn’t exactly say he’s super kind and benevolent, but he’s a good father, and I really wish I had gotten to know him earlier than age 24.”
10. “The silent treatment.”
“My mom would give me the silent treatment for weeks at a time. This caused a few things to happen: 1. I stopped sharing things with her. I never knew what would offend her, so I don’t really spend much time with her and I’m very selective about what I tell her. 2. I take her opinion with a grain of salt. 3. My walls are very high with everyone. 4. Now, decades later, ignoring me will instantly make me flip my s***.”
“My stepmom is the queen of silent treatment. The damage that did to me as a young child is still a struggle and I’m 45. (She married my dad when I was 7). Childhood emotional neglect is incredibly damaging.”
9. “Not letting employees have a lunch break.”
“I remember getting weird looks when I’d take my lunch. Everyone would just work through it. F*** that.”
“In a similar vein, underpaying employees with the excuse they’re lucky to be employed at whatever place.”
8. “Taking a kid’s door.”
“Privacy and control issues for life…Deny your kid any semblance of privacy, and they will become excellent at hiding things from you. It’s a power-play punishment, not an instructive one… at least not in the way parents hope. It’s especially backward-headed when used as a punishment for hiding things from the parents, as it reinforces that things must be hidden better.”
7. “Putting the pressure of huge expectations on a child…”
“…and then telling everyone that all of these dreams are the child’s dreams even though they’re obviously yours.”
“It’s important to distinguish between healthy parental expectations and placing unrealistic pressure on a child. While it’s natural for parents to have aspirations for their children, it becomes problematic when those expectations are overwhelming, unreasonable, or solely driven by the parent’s desires.”
6. “Encouraging someone when they are having destructive behaviors.”
““But you’re so much fun when you’re drunk! Come on, it can’t be that bad. Just have one beer. You don’t have to stop, you can just cut back, right?””
“I’ve noticed this has become sort of the dark flip side of the ‘body positivity’ sentiment. “You’re perfect just the way you are!”…Like, no, not if you’re seriously overweight/unhealthy and doing nothing to address it.”
“Also for caregivers, not getting a vulnerable person help for their harmful behaviours when that is your responsibility.”
5. “Calling your partner vulgar/offensive names in arguments.”
“…So many people believe this is normal couple behavior.”
“Yelling during fights in general. Name calling in regular arguments is NOT NORMAL and shouldn’t be tolerated. No matter how annoyed the other person is. Don’t call your partner a b**** or an a****** or mock their degree or anything you can’t take back. It does nothing but wreak havoc on a relationship and cause tiny breaks. Death by a thousand cuts.”
4. “Parents that are super controlling and won’t let their children make age-appropriate decisions.”
“I had helicopter parents and can confirm all it does is delay your kid from taking any risks or learning how to set boundaries and make decisions until they move out and stakes are a lot higher and mistakes hurt them a lot more.”
“When you get older after being raised like this, the damage stays with you. It also sucks because you also have you parents getting frustrated that an adult can’t make normal adult commitments and ask you “Why are you like this?” Dunno, maybe not being allowed to make any of my own decisions growing up made making real decisions a pain in the a**.”
3. “Using guilt to manipulate the people closest to you.”
“My grandmother (99) can send my mom (80) into such darkness with a swift and stinging comment. I hate to see it, and it is absolutely abusive.”
“Using guilt as a tool to manipulate loved ones is a form of emotional abuse. It can deeply impact the well-being and mental health of the person being guilt-tripped. Recognizing this behavior as abuse is crucial in order to break the cycle and establish healthy boundaries.”
2. “Withholding life skills from your offspring to keep them insecure and dependent.”
“As a sped teacher, I see this a lot with parents of special needs kids.”
“I know a guy who is pushing 40 who is still dependent on his parents because he has a health condition and they never taught him how to be self-sufficient within the limitations of that health condition. It’s super sad.”
1. “Not allowing your children to show unhappy emotions.”
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“My mom would do this all the time throughout my childhood. Whenever I looked slightly off to her, she would lose it on me and go bat**** crazy because I wasn’t the “little happy girl” she used to know. It’s really frustrating because sometimes I wasn’t even upset to begin with until she started shouting at me about it.”
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Source: Reddit.